My heart grieves

When a young person dies, my heart grieves. It grieves for memories not made, loves not realized, fun not discovered, and a life not lived completely.

This school year has been like no other. 2.5 weeks ago we lost a senior boy. He was a member of the Varsity football team and was popular around school. I didn't know him but I knew his sister and many of my students knew him and were friends with him. I grieved for him, as the school grieved for him, but I wasn't as affected by it because I didn't notice the absence or quiet in my class that day, or any of the weeks that have followed.

Then, this past weekend, I got the news that one of my own students had committed suicide. A life cut short too soon. A death that could have been prevented. And I ask why.  Why did he think things were so bad that he needed to end his life to escape? Was he looking for attention? Did he really understand what he was doing? I don't think we will ever know. And we are left to question what we did to affect this kid. What was the last thing I said to him during 4th period on Friday? Was he thinking about what he was going to do while sitting in my class doing his work? Did I spend enough time getting to know him and too much time teaching geography? Because when it comes down to it, my job is about people and relationships. Have I invested in my students enough? There are so many questions.

And because I don't have answers, I cry. Because I don't know what else to do, I cry. I can't bring him back and have a chance to help him seek help. I can't make the hurt any less for those he left behind in his classes, in his school and in his life. I can't cure the silence that now haunts my 4th period because they all know he is gone. So, I cry. Life has been put in perspective. And things that used to matter don't matter as much. Is it more important to count calories or just enjoy the company I am with when I eat? Is it more important to get up and work out at the sacrifice of spending time with the people I love the night before?

So many questions. Not enough answers.

So, I cry for two lives lost too soon. And I cry for a group of students who have been confronted with the reality of life in a very real way.

And I pray. For the administrators, counselors, and teachers that work with a school that is grieving. I pray for Jesus to wrap his arms around Creekview HS. I pray for this to make us stronger. I pray for us to be able to seize these teachable moments that have been given to us. But mostly I pray for comfort and peace. For that is what we all need right now.

But I know, at least for the next few weeks, my heart will grieve for two high school boys lost too soon.

Love Always,
Cynthia

The Stats:
# of workouts: 6/7
# of days eating right: 2/7
# of lbs lost (total): 8